Where are my keys? I just saw them. Where is my phone? I had it an hour ago. Where is the charger of my mp3 player? Where is my shirt? Oh no, forgot to pay this bill. How could I even forget about it, it is on my desk for 2 weeks. I should arrange my room and put everything away since im leaving soon.Should vacuum. Should get ready. Should print my ticket. Should put labels on my luggage. Want to avoid last minute stress. Plenty of time to get ready, so why can’t I just make everything ready? But I just can’t.
Texts coming in, but I can not bother to answer. Pressing the buttons is too much work. Im staring at them as they are foreign languages I can not understand. I should answer them, but somehow, I can not.
I open my mailbox. Empty. It’s a good and a bad thing I guess. The only e-mail I got last week was some advertisement stuff of a bookstore I used to buy books long ago. People I used to talk to, exchange e-mails with, slipped far away from my world somehow. Sometimes I open a new e-mail, and try to write something to someone, but after one sentence I don’t know what to say to them anymore. And since the sentence is quite meaningless (Imagine that like “Hi, how are you doing’) I close it again.
I am empty, and my words have become empty as well. I turned into a forgotten book without a content. People don’t want to be in touch with empty shells like me. And why should they? There is nothing interesting or nice to be in touch with persons like that right? I turned into a zombie. Someone with so many doubts and doesn’t know what to say or do anymore.
The whole day I sat in silence. Somehow I can not turn music on. It doesn’t fit somehow. I feel so overwhelmed, but from what? There is nothing. This makes no sense. Everything is too much. Can you burn out from doing nothing?
Everyday I see the same environment. I do the same things. I see the hopeless things around me and they are not changing. I know I am the one who has to make action, but I’m a battery who ran out of fuel. And that fuel I need to re-charge, seems unavailable.
The smallest thing turns me into despair and extreme frustration. I try to tell myself to remain calm, that this will pass, but none of those things seem to help. Something inside me says: watch out, watch out, you have to watch out, what you are doing right now is dangerous, you have to take care of yourself before things really get out of hand. But I don’t know how. I don’t know what to do.
Lost emotions. Lost soul. I don’t exist. A walking collection of cells. Disfunctional cells. A nobody. A nobody. A nobody…I am losing this battle. It is a war where everywhere around seem to be plenty of weapons, but I don’t have acces to any of them.