One thing I know for sure: life is complicated. Depression and other ilnesses don’t make it less complicated and all the different ways of communicating and perception aren’t making things easier either.
I wonder about many things and lately a few subjects have been spinning around in my head, but I’m still left with confusion and no answers. Truth is one of those things. How can you ever decide what truth is when things often have more sides? How do people actually make choices, how do they know what to choose? Somehow often it seems to happen more unwittingly and automatically. Or that people make decisions based on something they seem to feel. But what if you don;t feel ? How do you make a choice in that case? If everything has more sides and more options, what exactly makes someone choose something? Is depression messing up with my mind? Did I miss something? Am I thinking too complicated, or is there something wrong with me? Why can’t I just make things easier and such?
Sometimes those things make me feel disconnected to the world and other people even more. It’s hard to say in what way I want or wish or think I need to connect with other people For myself, it seems like that I can’t seem to go along with them often but can’t live without them either. It is just complicated. Though I spend a lot of time alone, seperated and withdrawn from the world, I do notice I need connections sometimes or be in touch with others and somehow, that is very difficult. Also, as an empty, depressed, disconnected person, I don’t want to bother someone and after a lot of things that happened in the last few years, I don’t know if I know how I should do, talk, behave, act, or not. Somehow I can never do it right. I can never do what people seem to want to see from me or need, but I can not watch in their heads either and sometimes communication doesnt work out either.
For example; tonight I spoke to one of my very few real life friends, and at a certain moment she said to me: and why do we never see each other anymore and hang out and blablabla. And I was like…….well eh, you were saying all the time you were sooo busy and tired ..and because everytime I asked you never had or seem to have time? Because you always spend time with your boyfriend or go to parties and such? Yeah, sometimes she asks me to come over, but then expects me to be there within 30 minutes….okay I am jobless and sitting at home 99% of the time, but does that mean I always have to adapt to others? (That happened to much and can make me feel very frustrated too). Don;t get me wrong. I really care and love about htis friend, but these kind of things are just complicated. People seem to think I have nothing to do anyway and thats a reason to ask me or try to put me in some direction. (Is it really that way or is it just that I can not deal with things anymore and such??)
Lately I feel when someone asks something of me, like i’m all burned out or something. i can not function, I can not deal with it, I get too frustrated, even if I dont have anyhting to do, everything seems to much. I dont know who I am or what I want or who my friends are and what is hte best to do. I don’t even know what I want. What I want to be. I don’t know it, and I don’t FEEL it. I don’t feel anything but deep intense things that are mainly sad and confusing.
Avoiding and ignorance can be a need, and they can be a thing that damages or can even hurt deeply at the same time. I can understand both sides in what I can see in my own experiences and that is not making it easier. But, I guess that is with a lot of things, that there are always more sides, and that is something that is bothering me too sometimes, because, if there are always more sides, how can you ever have or form an opinion or say something is a certain way?
But anyway, there are certain things about these issues that seem to bother me lately sometime, and I am not sure why that is exactly. Somehow, when being ignored, is often kind of painful. Like you don’t matter or don’t exist, or have no right of speak, or no right to be there or something. Same for avoidance. When someone is avoiding you, that person seems not to want to face you somehow. But at the same time, this other side, is making me do those things too. Sometimes I feel like avoiding someone, just because I feel too bad myself and am ashamed or something and feel like i’m a burden to others, and what happens is that I withdraw. Well not completely, like if people would speak to me I would answer, but I will not feel free to talk to them myself at times like those.
How is the situation really like, if you can even speak of ‘really’. How do you ever know for sure if someone is avoiding or ignoring you, or if your own emotions, insecurities and feelings seem to create that? Also, it is easy to use those things as a weak spot to use in communication with someone if you ever come to the point of talking about it, or try to. That is so difficult with certain things in life; you don’t know because you can’t guess what the other feels/wants/how the other persons situation is, but at the same time, you never know if someone tells you the truth or can be fair about something towards you or shares the whole story. And than there’s this other part; the way of saying, choosing words and perception and receiving. So many factors where things can go wrong and be misinterpret.
How, can you ever know? How, can you ever know what to do? How can you ever know how to act or what to do or what not to do? I don’t get it at all and I find it very confusing.
Why do we need people around us, even if we can not always handle them? Why can’t a human adapt to the state of being alone in the world? A large part of the world doesn’t care about you anyway and things got different that people grew ignorant and such….
Does anyone care if I would end up homeless? Does anyone care if I feel crap? Does anyone care if I would stop living? Probably a few people would. And when I see those things around me, I feel bad too. I feel bad when I see a homeless person on the streets. I feel bad when I know someone has no food. I feel bad when I know someone feels crap or hurt. But I don’t always know what to do or say exactly either. If I see it, I want to fix it, and I can’t.
Life is just so complicated…what can I say? Sorry for this probably incoherent piece of text. I have no idea why I post this or if its even right or makes sense. It’s just messy in my head again. How to get out of this. How to get out of this invisible prison where I’m being tortured?