Is it anxiety? Is it a physical issue? Am I losing my mind?
Let’s just say it out loud: I am scared. Scared, because I don’t understand what is happening and scared because I don’t know what is causing it. Scared, that I don’t seem to be able to get control back or deal with this. It’s going on, and going on.
Lately, I haven’t been feeling to great physically. And something about that is really bothering me: I can not always say if it really is something physical, or that it is something mentally. That part I can not seem to work out, and never found any help for how to deal with it. Somewhere you think it should be easy right, to say when there really is something wrong with you physically or when it is ‘just mentally’?
Well….that is what I always used to think, untill four years ago, when I had a bad pulmonary embolism which I just saw as “it’s just a strained muscle, your head makes things worse’, but next to that, it has been missed 3 times by different doctors. So, it was not only me going crazy, because, the opinion of a doctor, was important, and they said it was okay first right? (No hard feelings towards docs though – somethings are hard to see I can understand that). But now, I have learned, you can not always trust their opinions 100% either, of course I knew that, but somehow this whole situation made the feeling of distrust worse. (not that I really distrusted doctors, don’t get me wrong, I just can not find a good way to express this, I hope you know what I mean to say). Anyway, in the end, all of it almost costed me me life.
After that, things never were the same again. The depression got worse a while, and anxiety came into my life. But, as I often try to rationalize things, I tried and try to deal with it. But, I have to admit: It is so darn hard. And things seem to have become worse, somehow.
Weird feelings in my body, especially in the area where I remember the violent pains from this pulmonary embolism thing with inflammations, causes this anxiety attack. I try to keep myself calm; you’re not coughing blood, you’re not out of air, don’t freak out – it’s nothing (but it feels terrible). But my heartrate is high, I feel short of air, and feeling ‘something’ inside of me. It just freaks me out sometimes. And I am aware anxiety makes it worse and more stress and more anxiety comes in. And that those things can cause physical symptoms as well.
But anyway, this is not something related to the pulmonary embolism stuff. But somehow I don’t feel great. I would like to sleep a lot, i’m slow, and no impulses seem to be strong to make me feel good. What is happening? Is it depression that causes this, or is there physically some issue going on that has been invisible or something? Is my mind shutting down somehow (that’s how it feels sometimes). Am I not eating well? Is not doing anything for a long time causing this to a person? Can it? What causes this?
I know I should exercise and move more, but this whole depression issue makes me move less sometimes, I am aware of this, but it is freaking me out sometimes. Where is the limit? How long can I not move before something worse happens? Before I am at risks? I guess you just can never really say that.
This week is a rough one again. I’m having a hard time to be on the computer. To write. To talk to people.I don’t know why exactly. I feel like I’m half sleeping, and am not really awake. I feel weird things in my body, I want to sleep a lot (okay, I do sleep a lot, at least 10 hours a day if not more). What is wrong with me? Is this anxiety? Is it me going crazy? Am I losing my mind? Or is there something wrong?
I feel weird. Like I’m not real. That I’m awake but still sleeping. Like I’m moving but my movements feel weird – it’s just like its not me. And I have to focus really hard sometimes but it just doesnt feel like it should. I’m not too keen on driving. What if these feelings last? it feels so weird to do things when feeling like this. Is it even safe? More anxiety.
I just don’t know what to do with these things. Clearly I can not solve them myself, but my doctor hasn’t been really helpfull with it either. (Okay, he is my gp doc so maybe he can not do so much, I don’t mean it in a bad way , this sounds so weird – its more like its not getting better or there doesn’t seem to be a solution from his side, but he is willing to help me). He says I’m dealing with it quite well so far, but honestly, it doesn’t feel that way. I just don’t know what to do – it seems it is getting worse, and that is definitely not what i want.