What is happening?

Is it anxiety? Is it a physical issue? Am I losing my mind?

Let’s just say it out loud: I am scared. Scared, because I don’t understand what is happening and scared because I don’t know what is causing it. Scared, that I don’t seem to be able to get control back or deal with this. It’s going on, and going on.

Lately, I haven’t been feeling to great physically. And something about that is really bothering me: I can not always say if it really is something physical, or that it is something mentally.  That part I can not seem to work out, and never found any help for how to deal with it.  Somewhere you think it should be easy right, to say when there really is something wrong with you physically or when it is ‘just mentally’?

Well….that is what I always used to think, untill four years ago, when I had a bad pulmonary embolism which I just saw as “it’s just a strained muscle, your head makes things worse’, but next to that, it has been missed 3 times by different doctors. So, it was not only me going crazy, because, the opinion of a doctor, was important, and they said it was okay first right? (No hard feelings towards docs though – somethings are hard to see I can understand that). But now, I have learned, you can not always trust their opinions 100% either, of course I knew that, but somehow this whole situation made the feeling of distrust worse. (not that I really distrusted doctors, don’t get me wrong, I just can not find a good way to express this, I hope you know what I mean to say). Anyway, in the end, all of it almost costed me me life.

After that, things never were the same again. The depression got worse a while, and anxiety came into my life. But, as I often try to rationalize things, I tried and try to deal with it. But, I have to admit: It is so darn hard. And things seem to have become worse, somehow.

Weird feelings in my body, especially in the area where I remember the violent pains from this pulmonary embolism thing with inflammations, causes this anxiety attack. I try to keep myself calm;  you’re not coughing blood, you’re not out of air, don’t freak out – it’s nothing (but it feels terrible). But my heartrate is high, I feel short of air, and feeling ‘something’ inside of me. It just freaks me out sometimes. And I am aware anxiety makes it worse and more stress and more anxiety comes in. And that those things can cause physical symptoms as well.

But anyway, this is not something related to the pulmonary embolism stuff. But somehow I don’t feel great. I would like to sleep a lot, i’m slow, and no impulses seem to be strong to make me feel good. What is happening? Is it depression that causes this, or is there physically some issue going on that has been invisible or something? Is my mind shutting down somehow (that’s how it feels sometimes). Am I not eating well? Is not doing anything for a long time causing this to a person? Can it? What causes this?

I know I should exercise and move more, but this whole depression issue makes me move less sometimes, I am aware of this, but it is freaking me out sometimes. Where is the limit? How long can I not move before something worse happens? Before I am at risks?  I guess you just can never really say that.

This week is a rough one again. I’m having a hard time to be on the computer. To write. To talk to people.I don’t know why exactly. I feel like I’m half sleeping, and am not really awake. I feel weird things in my body, I want to sleep a lot (okay, I do sleep a lot, at least 10 hours a day if not more). What is wrong with me? Is this anxiety? Is it me going crazy? Am I losing my mind? Or is there something wrong?

I feel weird. Like I’m not real. That I’m awake but still sleeping. Like I’m moving but my movements feel weird – it’s just like its not me. And I have to focus really hard sometimes but it just doesnt feel like it should. I’m not too keen on driving. What if these feelings last? it feels so weird to do things when feeling like this. Is it even safe? More anxiety.

I just don’t know what to do with these things. Clearly I can not solve them myself, but my doctor hasn’t been really helpfull with it either. (Okay, he is my gp doc so maybe he can not do so much, I don’t mean it in a bad way , this sounds so weird – its more like its not getting better or there doesn’t seem to be a solution from his side, but he is willing to help me).  He says I’m dealing with it quite well so far, but honestly, it doesn’t feel that way. I just don’t know what to do – it seems it is getting worse, and that is definitely not what i want.

😦

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8 thoughts on “What is happening?

  1. I can definitely relate with how hard it can be to trust doctors, especially when they’ve written off potentially life threatening situations. It took a long time before I found a medical team I could truly trust, and I lived with a lot of anxiety about the unknowns within my own body at the time.

    Is there someone you could talk to in the mental health field? (A therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist)? Maybe instead of focusing in finding a physical issue you could focus on looking at the depression and anxiety you’re facing, then if they tell you you’re experiencing symptoms outside of what is typical for those issues you might have a better idea of what you’re looking for?

    I also just wanted to note that I have experienced something akin to this ‘detached’ feeling you seem to be describing. This might indicate something more complicated going on with your mental health than you have previously given credit for, so one more good reason to seek a professional. Good luck!

    • Thanks a lot for your reply, its much appreciated. I’m sorry you had to deal with a lot of anxiety and unknowns in your body – I hope that got better now.
      I try not to focus on finding physical issues, but sometimes it is so hard since symptoms can be so…well strong and ‘there’. I have been surprised how mental things can cause such strong physical reactions and since I know that, it is just so hard to decide if its mental or physical and I just don’t know anymore. But the detachment thing is really, really, really unpleasant. Right now, I can not really say there is someone in the mental health field I feel free going to – it didn’t work out before (And really, I tried a couple of times), also, it is somehow so busy and not easily accessible – to get an appointment with a psychiatrist takes at least 4 or 5 months :S…that is just not helpful at all. The only doc that is a bit accessible is my gp doc at the moment, and he is willing to help me where I can I think. But soon I’m about to make a big change in my life (move abroad) to try to change these depression (which are going on for such a long time) and (the more recent) anxiety issues…so I will be on my own I guess in this now….

      Did you get rid of that detached feeling?

      • The detached feeling has come and gone several times, and has since been tied to my diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I don’t think I would have minded much but it really took down several of my relationships with people (because I felt too detached to feel the love I normally felt for them). Now that I know it is just a trick of my mind I try to ignore it (easier said than done!)

  2. I’m really sorry to read your story but I can fully understand you.
    I’ve been living the same nightmare for many years.
    I’ve seen many MDs but for them it’s all into my head, but I feel a shit.
    And everytime that I think this about this, I just try hatred.

    • Im sorry you have to deal with those things too..it’s just so hard. Have you ever been on meds for it / tried a med or anything? My gp doc gave me some temporary stuff (benzodiazepines) for the really bad moments but it’s not really a solution or something…I’m trying to find ways to deal with it, but it’s just so complicated. Trying to keep busy with practical/physical things seem to help a bit, but it doesn’t help for everything.

      • After many medical examinations, my MD gave me an antidepressant (citolopram).
        I took it for one years but then I stopped with it because I saw no improvements (neither physically nor mentally).
        I alway try to keep busy myself with everything, but there’s always a moment in the day where my mind begins to think about heavy things.
        Especially in this period it’s very hard.
        Now I feel as if I live in a black hole.

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