Times of extreme doubts appear
> wants to move forward
. passes the message forward
where? blocks all paths.
And shows in neon blue
where / tries to save the souls
Is this a battle? Or is it truth?
A world of words
in books, letters, emails, conversations, billboards, newspapers,
well just around everywhere around
A world of interactions
in real life, movies, online, letters, emails, phonecalls, people, non-verbal,
well just about everything around
A world of images
in pictures, in magazines, in photographs, in drawings, in maps.
A real life or an alter ego
The main road or a side one?
None of those things
I can see through anymore
It’s like being lost with a map in your hands
knowing North and South
knowing West and East
But it’s pointless to go into any direction
it is not that there’s nothing to choose – there is
but there is nothing to choose for – it seems
And there seems no way out, because the map has no end
signs pointing all around without any instructions
What to do if the purpose, isn’t known on the map?
The magnetized pointer of my compass
lost its heart.
Is it a matter of time? Is it a matter of doing something?
What am I doing wrong. Why is it still bothering me.
Today, I removed all the messages in my phone from exboyfriend who dissapeared. I gave away the dvd he bought me. But I couldn’t remove his emails (yet). And I couldn’t throw away the postcard from Israel (yet). And I can’t throw away the memories inside me (yet). And I can’t throw away the few pictures of him and us (yet-but they are out of sight).
“So that’s how we live our lives. No matter how deep and fatal the loss, no matter how important the thing that’s stolen from us–that’s snatched right out of our hands–even if we are left completely changed, with only the outer layer of skin from before, we continue to play out our lives this way, in silence. We draw ever nearer to the end of our allotted span of time, bidding it farewell as it trails off behind. Repeating, often adroitly, the endless deeds of the everyday. Leaving behind a feeling of immeasurable emptiness.”
― Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart
“Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing direction. You change direction, but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm is not something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right into the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand does not get in, and walk through it, step by step. There is no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverised bones. That is the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.”
— Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore
My blog is some weird place full of random stuff I guess. There isn’t really a structure, it has been full with random things, silly things, stories that are keeping me occupied deep inside and all of that mixed together. That is like how my head seems to work: unstructured structures. I haven’t been feeling too happy with that, because it looks messy somehow and I wanted to seperate it from each other, but I didn’t manage to make 3 different pages (somehow that doesn’t seem possible, at least not with this theme). Well anyway, so far that….(I’m drifting away from the thing I wanted to write)
Some time ago I wrote the post “Ready for take off”. This is the sequel to that story. Time is ticking so fast away, even in the world of nothing. It goes so much faster than I want/can imagine somehow, but time doesn’t wait. And so the time I’m going to leave my country comes soon.
For a long time now I haven’t been feeling happy with my life. And somehow not in this country either. Even though I was born here, doesn’t help. Maybe because I grew up between two completely different countries and cultures and those contrasts were constantly there. But somehow, I don’t feel at home at none of both of those countries. It’s like I do not belong anywhere. My life has been mostly about surviving, and struggling, and trying to hang in. For a long time I lived on autopilot. When I reached my twenties, somehow I woke up. Somehow I managed to hold a job for some time (and save money) next to a study on university and (with a lot of delay) I did graduate in the end, but it didn’t bring me anywhere really. Still have the debt from my study to pay off. And okay, I’ve been very ill for some while so that came in between and disturbed a lot of things as well but I don’t want to make that an excuse, because I think even without that it would have turned out this way, at least, the chance was big. But in fact, another problem (or maybe problem that was already there, but I managed to avoid so far, came on the surface). I graduated, but what now? No job, a killing competition for the very few jobs, and stuck with myself, a depressed nobody trying to hang in. I never managed to step in to the “normal” life ( I hope you get what I mean by that, I know there is no real normal but yeah). And now that my twenties have ended, I feel more lost then ever. I’m sitting at home (well, not even my home) for over 6 months now absolutely doing nothing. I didn’t apply ( somehow I couldn’t), and time just goes by. A lot of thoughts passing my mind, but action? Almost zero. And I know I can not keep on living like this. But I lost my purposes, my dreams, my motivation, all those things that make humans move forward, IF, I repeat, IF, I ever had those.
But, I made a choice. I need to leave here. I need to leave this environment. I HAVE to. I’m dying here. It’s not going to be okay here.
So I am going to move in a couple of weeks to another country.
Some time ago I got in touch with some kind of organization that has these kind of volunteering projects for ‘younger people’ ( not that I see see myself as ‘young’ anymore) that covers a lot expenses (Via some European Union funding that seems to be available – before I never knew.) I will have a place to live, my insurances are paid for, I will get some money to buy food, the travelcosts are mostly covered – and, I will do some work, without pay, but hey, with the rest that is not so bad – together everything will be more than I have right now because: I have 0 income, nothing, no benefits, and the bills for insurances and such keep coming, my bank account going into a disaster if I don’t take action someday… well anyway, when nothing comes in at all, things go fast and that feels very uncomfortable – where is the end? So in fact the going abroad thing isn’t more worse, right?
What I’m going to do, I am not too sure yet. But does it really matter? I guess not too much right now. Anyway I know where I will be going, to a not too big town (but seems larger then where I am now) in the mountains (yay mountains). I’ve seen pictures of my flat where I will be living (it seems HUGE and…it has a COUCH! I never had a couch myself and that just looks awesome to me). Also I’ll be close to some other countries where I always wanted to travel more: Croatia (been there before but want to see more), take a boat to Italy, Kosovo, Albania, Montenegro, Bulgaria, who knows where else… maybe I even manage to go to Greece. No idea if that will be possible for sure, but I guess there are options enough…
And now, I started packing. Packing stuff for a year (I’ve signed up for the longest time possible). But packing for a year? That is an adventure ittself….winter, summer, you have to think of everything. But I guess often you take too much stuff so I will just try to reduce it as much as I can and take mostly clothes and shoes. Guess what I miss I just have to buy there.
A lot of mixed feelings. I don’t know how to feel about this. I’m excited, but dissapointed and scared at the same time as well. Will I be able to be less invisible there and interact with people? Will I be able to feel okay? Will I be able to get myself doing things?
There is just one very important thing I have to do and I have been procrastinating for ages now and what can ruin everything if I don’t do it:
Book my flight to Sarajevo.