(not) Ready for take off (part II)

My blog is some weird place full of random stuff I guess. There isn’t really a structure, it has been full with random things, silly things, stories that are keeping me occupied deep inside and all of that mixed together. That is like how my head seems to work: unstructured structures. I haven’t been feeling too happy with that, because it looks messy somehow and I wanted to seperate it from each other, but I didn’t manage to make 3 different pages (somehow that doesn’t seem possible, at least not with this theme). Well anyway, so far that….(I’m drifting away from the thing I wanted to write)

Some time ago I wrote the post “Ready for take off”. This is the  sequel to that story. Time is ticking so fast away, even in the world of nothing. It goes so much faster than I want/can imagine somehow, but time doesn’t wait. And so the time I’m going to leave my country comes soon.

For a long time now I haven’t been feeling happy with my life. And somehow not in this country either. Even though I was born here, doesn’t help. Maybe because I grew up between two completely different countries and cultures and those contrasts were constantly there. But somehow, I don’t feel at home at none of both of those countries. It’s like I do not belong anywhere. My life has been mostly about surviving, and struggling, and trying to hang in. For a long time I lived on autopilot. When I reached my twenties, somehow I woke up. Somehow I managed to hold a job for some time (and save money) next to a study on university and (with a lot of delay) I did graduate in the end, but it didn’t bring me anywhere really. Still have the debt from my study to pay off. And okay, I’ve been very ill for some while so that came in between and disturbed a lot of things as well but I don’t want to make that an excuse, because I think even without that it would have turned out this way, at least, the chance was big. But in fact, another problem (or maybe problem that was already there, but I managed to avoid so far, came on the surface). I graduated, but what now? No job, a killing competition for the very few jobs, and stuck with myself, a depressed nobody trying to hang in. I never managed to step in to the “normal” life ( I hope you get what I mean by that, I know there is no real normal but yeah). And now that my twenties have ended, I feel more lost then ever. I’m sitting at home (well, not even my home) for over 6 months now absolutely doing nothing. I didn’t apply ( somehow I couldn’t), and time just goes by. A lot of thoughts passing my mind, but action? Almost zero. And I know I can not keep on living like this. But I lost my purposes, my dreams, my motivation, all those things that make humans move forward, IF, I repeat, IF, I ever had those.

But, I made a choice. I need to leave here. I need to leave this environment. I HAVE to. I’m dying here. It’s not going to be okay here.

So I am going to move in a couple of weeks to another country.

sarajevo

Some time ago I got in touch with some kind of organization that has these kind of volunteering projects for ‘younger people’ ( not that I see see myself as ‘young’ anymore) that covers a lot expenses (Via some European Union funding that seems to be available – before I never knew.) I will have a place to live, my insurances are paid for, I will get some money to buy food, the travelcosts are mostly covered – and, I will do some work, without pay, but hey, with the rest that is not so bad – together everything will be more than I have right now because: I have 0 income, nothing, no benefits, and the bills for insurances and such keep coming, my bank account going into a disaster if I don’t take action someday… well anyway, when nothing comes in at all, things go fast and that feels very uncomfortable – where is the end? So in fact the going abroad thing isn’t more worse, right?

What I’m going to do, I am not too sure yet. But does it really matter? I guess not too much right now. Anyway I know where I will be going, to a not too big town (but seems larger then where I am now) in the mountains (yay mountains). I’ve seen pictures of my flat where I will be living (it seems HUGE and…it has a COUCH! I never had a couch myself and that just looks awesome to me). Also I’ll be close to some other countries where I always wanted to travel more: Croatia (been there before but want to see more), take a boat to Italy, Kosovo, Albania, Montenegro, Bulgaria, who knows where else… maybe I even manage to go to Greece. No idea if that will be possible for sure, but I guess there are options enough…

And now, I started packing. Packing stuff for a year (I’ve signed up for the longest time possible). But packing for a year? That is an adventure ittself….winter, summer, you have to think of everything. But I guess often you take too much stuff so I will just try to reduce it as much as I can and take mostly clothes and shoes. Guess what I miss I just have to buy there.

A lot of mixed feelings. I don’t know how to feel about this. I’m excited, but dissapointed and scared at the same time as well. Will I be able to be less invisible there and interact with people? Will I be able to feel okay? Will I be able to get myself doing things?

There is just one very important thing I have to do and I have been procrastinating for ages now and what can ruin everything if I don’t do it:

Book my flight to Sarajevo.

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