There is something that has been hard for me for quite a while now, but I rarely speak about. Sometimes maybe abstract or metaphorical, in any case quite short and abstract. Somehow I never really felt that I could really be open and honest about it, simply because it hurts (or did hurt?) too much.
It’s about dissapearance of someone you love. (Or you think you love, it’s hard to say in the end, because what happened to me, is that everything that happened caused so many questions that I am not sure of anything anymore).
Years ago, I met someone. You could say he
is/was my ex-boyfriend. Though the “relationship’ (as far you can speak from that) never really really ended in certain ways – because, he simply vanished. And I have no idea where he is, how he is doing, why he vanisehd, and I don’t even know if he is still alive. Somehow, those things have touched me deeply.
In the beginning, when we just met, it was not really like we were in love or something. Well we did love each other, but not like really in the physical way – at least it didn’t start like that. (but now, I even wonder if I am able to do that because it never really came that far with anyone and I just don’t seem to feel those things). But anyway, it was some different type of love, a very deep connection to the soul or something. But strong. Which is something that rarely happens with me, I guess I only had that two times in my life like that and both situations ended / or are ending (?) uncomfortable and sad.
We did not live very close to each other, but we used to write long e-mails, and visit each other quite regularly. We had long and deep and meaningful conversations about….well just everything. Somehow I felt really comfortable around him, I could be myself and share everything what went through my head, and he seemed to be comfortable around me – at least I thought so, now I doubt about that. In some ways we were similar, lonely, outsiders, on a distant from general life, not many friends, searching, a past, thinking about life, existential questions, and perhaps depressed from time to time, dealing with similar issues.
The best of all were the times we spend together. Not once I found those moments uneasy or not nice. We would go for walks, visit a museum, see a movie, go to a concert, the theatre, go out for dinner, simply making lunch together or just spend a night on the couch talking. We went on holiday to Greece once, which was a very nice holiday. And sometimes, I really miss those moments. And I think I still miss him, sometimes. And I think I still love him. But he has hurt me pretty badly as well – which I do not think will ever be okay again, even if he would appear in my life again, those things I can not forget. The not knowing hurts, and brings up so many questions.
He has ‘dissapeared’ before. Years ago, when I ended up in hospital with serious issues that could have cost me my life, he was nowhere to be found. He knew I was in hospital, and that was a time I needed him maybe even the most. No phonecall, no messages, no e-mails, nothing. Months of silence. After months, I wrote him an e-mail, and he responded some time later. That he couldn’t deal to see me that sick and didn’t know what to say or do and that he had fallen in love with me (in a physical way) and that he was sick of those feelings and said his life was a mess and he would be no good for me. He started a few times a study on Uni but quit a few times, he was a really smart, intelligent guy, but somehow he couldn’t go along with it and everything fell apart into nothing. He wrote me he had no future, only ending up with huge debts and stuff. I can understand that feeling since I am similar in some ways, also thinking others are better of without me and such.
In the end we spend time together again and wrote each other, messaged, went to the movies again. But not like before. Maybe I couldn’t give him what he needed: but, I was recovering from this illness what went terribly slow and I had so less energy. In the beginning, walking 15 minutes would exhaust me so much I had to rest for the whole day. Maybe that is what frustrated him, or maybe it even hurt him, but who shall say, because I just don’t know.
After a while, he came to visit me and we spend good time. We had a long conversation and he told me he was quitting his study at university again because he started it for the second time, found himself too old, and didn’t find any passion or motivation to continue with it and let things slip away again (like he did more times). For me something like that was no problem, because together we would manage to deal with things and I just liked it a lot being around him. Also, my life was far from perfect either. In the end I could even see us living together. And I think he did in some way too, because we spoke a bit about it sometimes.
But, after that, he stopped responding to my messages. He never picked up his phone. He wasn’t home. Okay, this had happened before I thought, maybe he needs some time for himself, that is okay, I mean I need that too sometimes. But it kept going for a long time, and of course I was worried, and I asked him to only give me a sign of life, just a ‘hi” or an empty email or text, just to know he was alive. But that, never came.
After a few months, his phonenumber got shut off – simply didn’t exist anymore. I think his email still works, but there never came any reply. He just vanished. And I don’t know where he is, how he is doing, or if he is still alive. If something happened to him, if he didn’t want to be in touch anymore…….(but then again, he could have just said that).
I don’t think there doesn’t pass a day when I don’t think of him. He is still in my heart, and still in my head. And I still have a few things he got me. A postcard, from Jerusalem, Israel, where his family came from (Who knows he went there but I don’t know and I have no idea how to track them down). A book, he bought me for my birthday. A dvd he bought me for my birthday. I can not throw those things away. I can not throw away that postcard. It is still hanging on my wall. It has too much worth, somehow.
He just dissapeared. I don’t know where he is, if he is still alive, i just don’t know. And that hurts badly. And it still hurts. I think it has been around 2 years now since I last heard something of him. So I guess that is a quite long time.
Often I ask myself if it is weird I still love him somewhere. If I still think about him. If I am not preoccupied or something. If this is even normal to do or not. Ask myself if I should do something, try harder to find him, but maybe, he doesn’t want that at all. I just don’t know.
How will this ever be easy? How can you ever trust someone again? If even a person you love a lot and that person who says who loves you a lot just does something like that and leaves you behind like that?
Sometimes questions like, how should or would I respond if he would appear in my life again? Would I give him a chance? Would I feel angry? Would I be happy? I just don’t know. I honestly don’t know what to do. Maybe I should forget about him, erase all out of my memory.
But I can’t. I just can’t.
The postcard. Maybe the most important thing there is still left – it’s the most personal thing I got from him (maybe that is even weird, but we both were not really materialistic and he was not really a ‘getting presents guy’).