Dissapearance, of someone you love.

There is something that has been hard for me for quite a while now, but I rarely speak about. Sometimes maybe abstract or metaphorical, in any case quite short and abstract. Somehow I never really felt that I could really be open and honest about it, simply because it hurts (or did hurt?) too much.

It’s about dissapearance of someone you love. (Or you think you love, it’s hard to say in the end, because what happened to me, is that everything that happened caused so many questions that I am not sure of anything anymore).

Years ago, I met someone. You could say he is/was my ex-boyfriend. Though the “relationship’ (as far you can speak from that) never really really ended in certain ways – because, he simply vanished. And I have no idea where he is, how he is doing, why he vanisehd, and I don’t even know if he is still alive. Somehow, those things have touched me deeply.

In the beginning, when we just met, it was not really like we were in love or something. Well we did love each other, but not like really in the physical way – at least it didn’t start like that. (but now, I even wonder if I am able to do that because it never really came that far with anyone and I just don’t seem to feel those things). But anyway, it was some different type of love, a very deep connection to the soul or something. But strong. Which is something that rarely happens with me, I guess I only had that two times in my life like that and both situations ended / or are ending (?) uncomfortable and sad.

We did not live very close to each other, but we used to write long e-mails, and visit each other quite regularly. We had long and deep and meaningful conversations about….well just everything. Somehow I felt really comfortable around him, I could be myself and share everything what went through my head, and he seemed to be comfortable around me – at least I thought so, now I doubt about that.  In some ways we were similar, lonely, outsiders, on a distant from general life, not many friends, searching, a past, thinking about life, existential questions,  and perhaps depressed from time to time, dealing with similar issues.

The best of all were the times we spend together. Not once I found those moments uneasy or not nice. We would go for walks, visit a museum, see a movie, go to a concert, the theatre, go out for dinner, simply making lunch together or just spend a night on the couch talking. We went on holiday to Greece once, which was a very nice holiday. And sometimes, I really miss those moments. And I think I still miss him, sometimes. And I think I still love him. But he has hurt me pretty badly as well – which I do not think will ever be okay again, even if he would appear in my life again, those things I can not forget. The not knowing hurts, and brings up so many questions.

He has ‘dissapeared’  before. Years ago, when I ended up in hospital with serious issues that could have cost me my life, he was nowhere to be found. He knew I was in hospital, and that was a time I needed him maybe even the most. No phonecall, no messages, no e-mails, nothing. Months of silence. After months, I wrote him an e-mail, and he responded some time later. That he couldn’t deal to see me that sick and didn’t know what to say or do and that he had fallen in love with me  (in a physical way) and that he was sick of those feelings and said his life was a mess and he would be no good for me. He started a few times a study on Uni but quit a few times, he was a really smart, intelligent guy, but somehow he couldn’t go along with it and everything fell apart into nothing. He wrote me he had no future, only ending up with huge debts and stuff. I can understand that feeling since I am similar in some ways, also thinking others are better of without me and such.

In the end we spend time together again and wrote each other, messaged, went to the movies again. But not like before. Maybe I couldn’t give him what he needed: but, I was recovering from this illness what went terribly slow and I had so less energy. In the beginning, walking 15 minutes would exhaust me so much I had to rest for the whole day. Maybe that is what frustrated him, or maybe it even hurt him, but who shall say, because I just don’t know.

After a while, he came to visit me and we spend good time. We had a long conversation and he told me he was quitting his study at university again because he started it for the second time, found himself too old, and didn’t find any passion or motivation to continue with it and let things slip away again (like he did more times). For me something like that was no problem, because together we would manage to deal with things and I just liked it a lot being around him. Also, my life was far from perfect either. In the end I could even see us living together. And I think he did in some way too, because we spoke a bit about it sometimes.

But, after that, he stopped responding to my messages. He never picked up his phone. He wasn’t home. Okay, this had happened before I thought, maybe he needs some time for himself, that is okay, I mean I need that too sometimes. But it kept going for a long time, and of course I was worried, and I asked him to only give me a sign of life, just a ‘hi” or an empty email or text, just to know he was alive. But that, never came.

After a few months, his phonenumber got shut off – simply didn’t exist anymore. I think his email still works, but there never came any reply. He just vanished. And I don’t know where he is, how he is doing, or if he is still alive. If something happened to him, if he didn’t want to be in touch anymore…….(but then again, he could have just said that).

I don’t think there doesn’t pass a day when I don’t think of him. He is still in my heart, and still in my head. And I still have a few things he got me. A postcard, from Jerusalem, Israel, where his family came from (Who knows he went there but I don’t know and I have no idea how to track them down). A book, he bought me for my birthday. A dvd he bought me for my birthday. I can not throw those things away. I can not throw away that postcard. It is still hanging on my wall. It has too much worth, somehow.

He just dissapeared. I don’t know where he is, if he is still alive, i just don’t know. And that hurts badly. And it still hurts. I think it has been around 2 years now since I last heard something of him. So I guess that is a quite long time.

Often I ask myself if it is weird I still love him somewhere. If I still think about him. If I am not preoccupied or something. If this is even normal to do or not. Ask myself if I should do something, try harder to find him, but maybe, he doesn’t want that at all. I just don’t know.

How will this ever be easy? How can you ever trust someone again? If even a person you love a lot and that person who says who loves you a lot just does something like that and leaves you behind like that?

Sometimes questions like, how should or would I respond if he would appear in my life again? Would I give him a chance? Would I feel angry? Would I be happy? I just don’t know. I honestly don’t know what to do. Maybe I should forget about him, erase all out of my memory.

But I can’t. I just can’t.

postcard

The postcard. Maybe the most important thing there is still left – it’s the most personal thing I got from him (maybe that is even weird, but we both were not really materialistic and he was not really a ‘getting presents guy’).

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “Dissapearance, of someone you love.

  1. Reading your story, the logical thought should be “Forget him”.
    He has been a asshole when you was in hospital.
    He’s missing.

    But, what can I know about you two?
    Who can know it?
    Only you, you that with him was happy, you that after years you are still thinking about him.

    There are persons able to stop our time.
    And often only those persons can unblock it.
    In one way or another.

  2. I think most of us have something or someone that affect us profoundly. But time is your answer. And trying. You don’t have to forget. You have to love yourself and be open to something new to happen to you. And honestly, you deserve someone that will be there. Someone that motivates and pushes you. Not that this person didn’t do that ever, just not in the ways needed for you to thrive. You seek comfort and need closure but the sucky thing is, we just don’t always get it. Stop putting yourself down too. You from what I read did nothing wrong. He had his issues with or without you I believe. You need to think better about you. You will find that person with a better connection or a different one even. The work starts within. It’s hard but talking about it is a very positive step! I hope it gets easier.

    • Thank you for your reply. Really appreciate those words. I guess you are right – he had issues even without me. Somehow I find it hard to grasp that he never said anything about this whole thing and just vanished…. while we shared so much, never had a fight or something, but he just dissapeared one day ..for me it is hard to understand to leave a person you love (or say you love) behind like that. It’s terrible. I can understand that someone wants to dissapear and need time off and such things. But was it too much to ask to tell me that he didn’t want to be in touch anymore or that he needed to dissapear? While he said he loved/valued/cared about me and such? We had so many deep and meaningful conversations about how we felt and thought and life…and now it’s like it was all fake and not true……and that I have been living in a lie all this time. That I have trusted and loved a person who was not fair to me or something. I don’t know, it is just so confusing. I’m not sure why that is so hard. It was not even that I am or was “searching” for a person to have a relationship with or live together with…..it’s just this … I don’t know, very deep connection I felt or thought there was. It’s rough I guess because it is so rare to me that happens. But yeah, that is only my side of the story I guess. It’s just……how can you ever know something sure or know if someone is fair or open to you? I guess you never know. Sigh. It’s just so complicated and I just don’t understand how you can live with that knowledge somehow, but that is probably a shortcoming of mine.

      • The thing is, you really will never know. Not completely. I sorta had a similar situation with a breakup before who I’m with now. I had a lot of the questions you have in regards to the “how could he say this, us share this, he told me this variety”. He didn’t disappear but it was like he did in a way. The person I loved was no longer that same person I thought he was. My situation is different but when reading your thoughts and struggles, the questions about what happened and those feelings, it’s a lot like how I felt. It taught me that when you are in a relationship, you will always be vulnerable no matter what that person or your relationship is like. It sucks, I really feel for you. But I found out there were a lot of things my ex never mentioned or told me, ever. Things I didn’t learn until well after we broke up that I found out later to hear and think, “Why the fuck wasn’t that said then?”….along with other things too. It was all very puzzling and to this day, four years later and into another relationship, I still question some things including his love for me at that time. Did he mean the things he said? I don’t think I will ever really know. Now here is the important part, with matters of the heart, whether it’s romance or friendship; sometimes you will have to just make peace and accept you will not have all the answers you want or need from that person. At some point, you have to let go. You can only look at what you did, how you felt, what you said, etc. and examine those things, learn from things the best you can, then try to move from things and not be stuck dwelling on the past. Easier said than done, I know. I think these type of things happen though and it prepares us for the later relationships we get into. It teaches us about ourselves and it teaches us what we want, don’t want, and what we had that we’d like to have again. Hang in there. Just remember that it isn’t your fault in your sitch. It seems he had bigger issues that affected things and wasn’t being totally open with you. When that’s the case you can’t do anything but take care of you and how you deal with the cards.

      • Really appreciate your reply again. I am not exactly sure how to reply right now but there are things to think about. Thanks for giving me these words back, it is helpful to hear them.

      • As much as it sucks, looking at my experience and others in my life, failure in past relationships/friendships has set me up to handle my future relationships better. And it’s helped me define me too. You grow. And you learn what you want, don’t want, what you can compromise on. It never feels good going through a break up and it’s hard to see things clearly when you’re confused, heartbroken, and all other emotions one feels when dealing with things like this….at some point though, you will be in a different place. You will heal and get to a place where you can move on, more important, you can move on but you can reflect on that time and not feel infinite sadness. You’ll gain perspective and will feel okay about things, even not having the answers you have obsessed over or knowing what that person is up to. It takes time and that’s annoying but you will gain from this awful situation and feel okay about it all. Focus on you too!

  3. About this… all I can say is everything begins with forgiveness. You will probably never forget his presence (at least in this lifetime), but the very least you can do is to let go… gently. He may or may not have had his reasons why he was or wasn’t there for you in your time of need, but that is in the past now. He seemed like a very conflicted person.

    And besides, your new love should be the person you’re focusing on now. The past we cannot change, the future we can — focus on the present.

    • Luckily, things seem to get better with time and it has been a while now. About a year ago I had times that I thought of him and thought I missed him and it made me sad and down sometimes. A few months ago, I found out that he is still alive, and somehow that was giving me peace. (I didn’t contact him or anything, because I don’t feel I want to.)

      Luckily, he is not an issue regarding the person I love now. It seems like I have peace with it now, but it will never be erased out of my heart.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s