This is my skateboard. And I like it, though I don’t use it much. It just stands in my room being useless.
Keep the wheels rolling, but, my wheels are standing still. Without movement, no journey.
Why? Because there is something, that not only affects the go/not go skateboarding. That holds me back from doing more things. And prevented me from doing certain things in the past.
What that is? The opinions of other human beings. That probably sounds weak, but yeah, I guess that is the answer.
Somehow I have never felt free enough to do what I wanted to do. Somehow, that lasted for so long (many many years, if it is not my whole life) that I even lost the things I wanted to do – they simply got out of sight. I just did not know anymore. If someone would ask me what purpose I had, or what I wanted to do? Seriously, I had no idea. I just did not know. Also, I didn’t feel like a real person, but was just a walking homo sapiens on the earth, actually it was more playing some invisible role in a movie. Deep inside, it has been bothering me. That I have never could be the real me, that I always had to hide certain things, that I didn’t have any encouragement to do the things my heart wanted to do. Often, I felt like I had no right to live or even exists, and adapted myself into an invisible role, making sure others were doing okay and could achieve their goals, wishes, needs.
Somehow, opinions from other people hold me back. Even opinions in general, from people I don’t even know. Maybe it is weak to let those things have so much influence in your life, but I can not deny the fact that they do, because they affect me and hold me back.
Take skateboarding for instance. Especially now, since i’m a ‘grown-up woman’, it is “not done” to ride on a skateboard somehow. You can not do that without hearing comments on that, or whatever. Those comments are sometimes innocent, sometimes maybe because people do not know what to say, and sometimes they are an attack on the person you are. Judge and shoot. And for what?
This is just one small example. It counts and goes for so many more things. Why, do things like that happen? Why do we say things to people we don’t know and try to be funny/make fun of them or judge them about something they do while they are not affecting anyone or anything in a bad way? Why?
Do I judge too? Probably yeah. I’m not perfect. I do make mistakes. I make mistakes with people too. I misjudge sometimes too. I guess I’m afraid a human brain has traps like that. Also I’m no communication or nonverbal specialist and I make mistakes or misunderstand or say things in a way that is not the way I actually want to say it but are just clumsy and probably the message doesn’t reach the receiver like I wish it would. communication, is difficult. There are so many ways and the interpretation can be so different from person to person. Even if there seem to be general ‘standards’ they don’t go along in just every situation. So how can you ever do something right?
How far do you go in trying to achieve your own goals and needs?
Do you listen to the opinions of other people? Do they affect you? Do you let them hold you back from doing things? How do you find the power to go your own way, if everything arounds you seem to hold you back from doing them? Is that something in your soul where you have this drive and motivation for? Is that about loving yourself?
I just don’t know how to deal with these things. Somehow, no matter what, it is never right.