Although I am not really someone who celebrates Christmas (It has never been a nice time in my lifetime, and I have nothing to celebrate or no one to celebrate it with either) sometimes I do set up some small decorations. To try to create a bit of a pleasant atmosphere, around this time the days are dark and my room is small and dark anyway and hasn’t got many incoming light. But maybe even also not to attract too much attention because somehow it is/was weird when you don’t feel anything for Christmas.
Well anyway I am not really looking forward to Christmas and sometimes, it feels even a lot as something with very double standards. Just like with New Year’s Day. Suddenly people who normally never look at you or speak with you sending you wishes and stuff. That always gives me such a weird feeling. Why suddenly bother for how someone is doing /wishing best things at that time of the year while normally they don’t care at all? A year has so many more days people need attention, best wishes, help or whatever. Not having a superficial moment of attention or pretend you care about someone just because the world around seems to have this Christmas-state-of-being.
Often before, I used to avoid these holidays and times of the year, I would go to work on those days with the motto “the more hours the better” but since I don’t work anymore, I can not do that and those days are coming close fast. Right now I have no idea how I will spend those days, I hope I just can shut myself off from the world around and pass the days without too much fuss. But it just feels weird. And a lot of thoughts going through my mind.
This year, I decorated my small room a bit, just try to feel a bit nicer since I have been not feeling too well lately. And somehow it is so cold and dark and maybe these colors and lights change the ambience a bit.
But this year things don’t seem to work out too well. The light tube stopped working after I’ve connected it to the electricity network, my inflatable Christmastree stopped being inflatable and one of my (few) sockets got a shortcircuit. I don’t think Christmas likes me anyway. Maybe being in the dark is what suits me the best after all.