My life, taken over

If you love people, you help them, right? If you love people, you do things for them, right? If you should love people, you help them and do things for them, right? If people are your family, you should love them right? If people are your family, you should help them right? No matter what. You need to help people you love or people who are your family.

Anyway, all of that, is more important than me. I’m a depressed nobody who doesn’t know what to do anyway and no one really cares so the least thing I can do is some things for others – at least I’ll be a bit usefull in a way. At least that makes me a bit less useless (but I’m still useless). I don’t work, I don’t have anything important to do, so I guess I’ll just try to make other people’s lives easier. It’s heavy for them and I’m useless anyway. Guilt, guilt, enormous feelings of guilt.

money

Person # And I have no money left so I can not buy food and I can’t travel there and there and I have no money anymore at home and blablablablabla….(goes on for a while)

Me talking to myself # I should give some of my money, so that person can eat at least and go to those places where that person wants/needs to go. I’m just sitting here with my savings and not earning anything but I feel bad about knowing the other can not eat and can not do what that person wants and if that person has money that person can continue. So I better give money, since I don’t know what to do anyway and I am just sitting here and wasting myself and the money I have doesn’t solve my issues anyway. Feeling guilty, and feeling bad because I know giving money doesn’t solve this issue and it’s going to happen again and if I want it back I need to ask for it several times because the other person just forgets. But I feel so guilty and bad for the other person I give something. (A small war of cursing myself of being stupid and another war of being so selfish is somewhere in the background in my brain playing)

mail

Person # I am so busy and I do not have time to put this on the mail and blahblahblablablablabla.

Me # Oh, I’ll bring it to the mailbox for you. I have nothing to do anyway. There is nothing waiting for me anyway. I don’t have to be anywhere at a certain time. I guess I should do it so you can continue your busy life and you don’t have to deal with this. I will go there.

grcery

Person # Is always low on money and when I go there I think of taking groceries because I know that person doesn’t have much groceries at home. I know that person spends money on things – less needed to survive instead.

Me # . I will buy everything that person likes (even if that is more expensive because that person wants biological/ecological stuff) and even if it’s kind of that persons own fault and making certain choices, I still feel bad and everytime I end up taking expensive groceries I would never buy myself because it’s simply to expensive for me. At least that person can eat a bit healthy again and doesn’t skip eating and at least ……

phone

Phonecall. Person # I’m coming in 10 minutes. Can you pick me up from the railwaystation and bring me there and there?

Me #  Uh…yeah, sure ….I guess. I don’t have anything to do anyway, so I guess I can do that. I’ll be right there. I will drop immediatly whatever I’m doing or what I’ve planned.

DIY

Person # And my bookcase is broken and this is broken and I need to have this painted and blablablablabla….

Me # Ends up fixing the bookcase, repairing whatever I can repair and leave all my own things to do- the piles of clothes and mess of papers for what it is. My sheets without bedclothes for weeks I leave just lying there. Because I need to help the other person.

And so I can continue with so many other things. Many other things. Some of the persons are actually the same, but I don’t feel like talking too much about who they are.  But I guess they take advantage of me. And I let people take advantage of me.

And I feel guilty about both. I end up sitting overthinking and feeling bad because of it all.

sit

And so on, slowly, my life is taken over and is not my life anymore.

Oh wait, I didn’t have one….

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