This is probably not going to be a nice post. And I am sorry for that. I’m sorry for feeling and thinking this way. Sorry for being this person, sorry for posting this. (Too many sorries maybe, though I could even add more) . But I am afraid this is the way I feel about things right now and I guess I wish it was different, but this seems to be reality – at least, for now.
There is something, that seems to be so important in life that everyone seems to need, crucial to live and life. Love. Love is/can be a beautiful something, and without love the world would be a way more bad place, but I can’t help it to see love as an enemy sometimes.
Something I can not seem to deal with at all – no matter which type of it. Once, quite a while ago, I wrote something like; love is a kind of slow killer. It destroys your heart slowly, attacks deeply, without mercy and leaves behind a devastating damage that never heals.
From a song; ♫ And love is evil, spell it backwards I’ll show you ♫ (Eminem – Space Bound)
Love. A deep feeling of some kind of affection. Sometimes very deep. So deep it hurts. And I have no idea what to do or how to deal with that feeling.
Flying all around you, but you can never touch it. It’s just not there for you. You and love are seperated. Love is there, where you can not reach. You can only observe and not participate in it. There you are, standing in apathy and loneliness on a distance.
Trying to find other ways. But sometimes, some things stay under water.
Digging, digging, digging. But sometimes, things don’t want to be found.Secrets buried forever. Stays out of your reach.
Far away, far away, you see something shining that is not the moon, not the sun, and not a star. What is it?
You take a closer look. And this is what you find:
Love in space communicating to you: nah nah nah nah nah. You will never be safe from me. You will never win from me. You will never get me. Nah nah nah nah.
Sometimes, my heart feels like a cruel place. Sometimes I feel a deep sort of affection for other people, but the only thing that happens in the end is that I end up feeling hurt one way or the other. I don’t get it. I don’t understand love. I don’t understand these feelings. Sometimes, it turns me into some kind of guerilla:
Telling myself (and trying to tell people around me):
Everyone is a better, nicer person than I am, everyone deserves better, nicer, more loving friends, and I always just end up like a failure and dissappointment. I AM a dissapointment. a BIG dissapointment. Everything is MY fault. FAULT. Blame me. BLAME me. Punish me. Abandon me. Forget me. Hate me. Throw me away.
Love is not for me. I am a bad person. I do not deserve love. HATE me. FORGET me. ABANDON me.
But at the same time, at moments like these, I am deeply and badly hurt inside and love would be more than welcome. But somehow, I try to push everyone further and further away from me. It doesn’t feel nice. It feels terrible. I am terrible. And I’m getting upset with myself I can not seem to accept or handle love and that it affects me and can hurt me so deep. I feel like I’m a bad, bad, bad bad person.
I am sorry.
Signed: A very dissapointed (mostly in myself) sharktoothsweater.