You should…

Sometimes, when I don’t feel great, I try to “socialize” because that seems to be good. Honestly, 99% of the time I spend alone and do not socialize very much. And yeah, I have to admit sometimes I feel really lonely and I miss people around me, but at the same time it is very hard to be with people. Really wish that was easier. Also, it’s in some advice things -to deal with depression- Even when you don’t feel like it – sometimes you have to force yourself. Socializing with other people is important. And sometimes I feel guilty about those things, and somehow it doesn’t seem fair to only flood about all the negative things depression causes and never try anything to get out of it.

So okay, I go to visit one of the very few persons I can visit. Honestly, I don’t know anymore when someone is a friend or not. But I assume those persons love you somehow and you love them somehow and you can be you around them – that said makes it difficult. But I guess you should not feel bad about being with a person that should be a friend. Whatever. No time now to get lost in that.

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Anyway, I try to ask them about the things they are doing and show interest in their lives and things they do and listen. Sometimes I try to take a small present, help them with things they need to get done, cook for them or whatever. I think I love them somewhere and I am proud of them in certain ways, but I have to say sometimes I do feel very uncomfortable being with them, because the difference in our lives is so, so huge.

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So I listen to their stories about going out, about work, about their plans and about their adventures. But when they tell me about it, deep inside of me there is a very sad feeling. I am truly happy for them though, do not misunderstand that.

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I am really happy they do great at work. Really happy they enjoy going out. That they enjoy things – for sure it would make me feel sad when they are/would be sad.

But often, something else happens that really makes me feel uncomfortable and lately I have no idea how to deal with that anymore…

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They start about……me. Are you still sitting at home doing nothing? Ehh. Well, I know what you have to do! You should apply for jobs and get a job and work and earn money again and get a small flat and buy your own stuff and get tv and you can watch nice series and hang out relaxing and ….. (a million more words about that)adv2

(Blahblahblah not to speak bad of them, I do know they probably mean it in a good way, but there is no chance to respond and this person just floods me with this – thats what the blahblah stands for)

Or you know what? Maybe just get benefits (As if that is so easy!). (Thoughts: do you know how hard it is to get out of the door? How hard it is to dress yourself and look a bit normal? How hard it is to talk to other people? And how massive hard it would be to ask for benefits and know they are probably going to blame you for being in this position now and never took action to not slip away so deep)

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And I just stand or sit there listening – heard this so many times before and no matter how much I try to explain how things are or how I feel – it happens over and over again. And that makes me feel even more bad. Even more lonely, and misunderstood.

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And quietly, I cry. Or at least, I feel like crying. Because crying is not something I do often -for years I wasn’t able to cry at all. Now sometimes a few tears are slipping away. I guess you can’t call that crying, but my heart is crying a lot.

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5 thoughts on “You should…

  1. I’m so grateful to you, which is weird to hear for you maybe….but it’s true. Before you, I felt all these things as you do but didn’t know how to express them. You are my voice. Hope that isn’t too weird. I feel like you do and every time I read your post it makes me feel understood, something I never feel.

    • thank you, I really appreciate your comment. I do not think it is weird at all. Often I feel others express things way better than I can find ways to express- sometimes I can relate in certain ways to what they write or draw etc where I fail myself. Often it is so hard to try to translate what’s on your mind, the way you feel or what is happening inside your head- that is just so difficult sometimes – sometimes it happens I get lost in that as well and get stuck in trying to get it out. Somehow it never feels right the way I write or draw things, but at the same time it can be the only way someone can. A small part of me feels a bit relieved to know that there are other people around who experience/feel similar things or in similar ways. Though on the other side it would have been nicer if they wouldn’t recognize the feelings, because that would mean they wouldn’t suffer from similar things.

      • Agreed! I have that bad feeling about liking someone’s misery. I’m talking about the star that you hit when on the blogs. Someone will write something that resonates with me but it’s a sad thing and when using that star, I often feel a twinge from it like why am I liking this?! Ahhh! Sorry about this comment. I’m a mess and probably not making sense! Just know that I adore your blog and it has made me feel really good to read and look at your drawings! I give you five stars!

      • Don’t worry about that 🙂 you make sense to me. And there is absolutely no need to be sorry for a comment. Sometimes maybe the best to do is not to see that star as a “like” only, but maybe as a ‘i can relate’- button too. That’s how I try to use and see it – sometimes it feels inappropriate to like something but at the same time you want to give someone some reply in some way back, but sometimes it is hard to find words to write and that star might mean something like “I’ve read it and can relate’. I think more people can see it that way, at least I hope so. Thanks for all your compliments, somewhere they are hard to take in since I think my drawings are quite ugly and messy – but it’s the best I can do I am afraid. Well, some things are about the message and not the way they look like, right? (Oh and why is that always so much more easy to say and see with others than for ourselves?)

      • Your last question we may never know! But at least we have the blogs! Appreciate you, kitten!

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