Sometimes, when I don’t feel great, I try to “socialize” because that seems to be good. Honestly, 99% of the time I spend alone and do not socialize very much. And yeah, I have to admit sometimes I feel really lonely and I miss people around me, but at the same time it is very hard to be with people. Really wish that was easier. Also, it’s in some advice things -to deal with depression- Even when you don’t feel like it – sometimes you have to force yourself. Socializing with other people is important. And sometimes I feel guilty about those things, and somehow it doesn’t seem fair to only flood about all the negative things depression causes and never try anything to get out of it.
So okay, I go to visit one of the very few persons I can visit. Honestly, I don’t know anymore when someone is a friend or not. But I assume those persons love you somehow and you love them somehow and you can be you around them – that said makes it difficult. But I guess you should not feel bad about being with a person that should be a friend. Whatever. No time now to get lost in that.
Anyway, I try to ask them about the things they are doing and show interest in their lives and things they do and listen. Sometimes I try to take a small present, help them with things they need to get done, cook for them or whatever. I think I love them somewhere and I am proud of them in certain ways, but I have to say sometimes I do feel very uncomfortable being with them, because the difference in our lives is so, so huge.
So I listen to their stories about going out, about work, about their plans and about their adventures. But when they tell me about it, deep inside of me there is a very sad feeling. I am truly happy for them though, do not misunderstand that.
I am really happy they do great at work. Really happy they enjoy going out. That they enjoy things – for sure it would make me feel sad when they are/would be sad.
But often, something else happens that really makes me feel uncomfortable and lately I have no idea how to deal with that anymore…
They start about……me. Are you still sitting at home doing nothing? Ehh. Well, I know what you have to do! You should apply for jobs and get a job and work and earn money again and get a small flat and buy your own stuff and get tv and you can watch nice series and hang out relaxing and ….. (a million more words about that)
(Blahblahblah not to speak bad of them, I do know they probably mean it in a good way, but there is no chance to respond and this person just floods me with this – thats what the blahblah stands for)
Or you know what? Maybe just get benefits (As if that is so easy!). (Thoughts: do you know how hard it is to get out of the door? How hard it is to dress yourself and look a bit normal? How hard it is to talk to other people? And how massive hard it would be to ask for benefits and know they are probably going to blame you for being in this position now and never took action to not slip away so deep)
And I just stand or sit there listening – heard this so many times before and no matter how much I try to explain how things are or how I feel – it happens over and over again. And that makes me feel even more bad. Even more lonely, and misunderstood.
And quietly, I cry. Or at least, I feel like crying. Because crying is not something I do often -for years I wasn’t able to cry at all. Now sometimes a few tears are slipping away. I guess you can’t call that crying, but my heart is crying a lot.