Sometimes faint memories are approaching close. Way closer than you wish for. Maybe they are not even memories, but at the same time actual happenings that behave like a deja-vu or something.Though there are not actually deja-vu’s (but maybe in certain ways they are.) And yet, it’s happening now as well.
Sometimes things in life happen and no matter what we do, it’s way out of our reach to send it in a certain direction. Like a distant monsoon rain that slowly is coming towards you, somewhere far away you see it existing in the sky, but somehow avoiding and trying not to be focussed on that aspect. But no matter what, it finds its way very precisely, tracks you down and drops everything down with the maximum force on where you are standing.No matter how strong you are, how fast you try to run, it will get you. No mercy.
For a couple of days I’ve been in a world that was dark. Very dark. Sometimes things happen, and you kind of lose control. The feelings inside you are so strong and so hurtful and make you feel so sad you have no idea where to go. No safe place, no place to hide, and it seems everything you try works against you. Sometimes things are out of your reach, but you still feel responsible for. You try to save yourself from going down, but in fact you slip away and can not find a place to find shelter.
Inside, you’re dying. Some black hole inside of you makes you feel completely miserable and the hurt is bad. Very bad. A tornado inside your head, a tornado inside your heart. A tornado of feelings. So extremely sad, you feel like you want and need to cry but tears won’t come out. You hurt yourself. You hurt other people. Damage. All of it makes you feel more guilty. This extreme guilt and feelings of inferiority stings like hell. Sometimes it seems safer to push everyone away. But loneliness hurts too. What to do? What to choose?
How far should you go for someone else while hurting yourself? How far can make people expectations of you? How far are you supposed to go in some situations?
This all sounds very vague, but I am not brave enough to share precisely what happened and what is going through my head. But it’s not just one thing and not just one day, that is for sure. But all these kind of questions and these very strong feelings caused a kind of a breakdown. More loneliness. More hurt. More sad. My heart feels heavy and all these terrible feelings of guilt, hurt and sad. I feel sorry for other people around me that I am like this, but also feel sorry for myself that I am so trapped in this world of hurt, this world of other people and their hurt and that it affects me and their wishes and wants and needs are superior to mine. It’s a shame to say this and it makes me feel weak and feeling miserable about feeling sorry for myself- how pathetic is that.
I guess it’s my own fault, and I just have to take this in. But it’s not my fault either.
Feeling bad about who I am. And maybe i have to face reality. I won’t find answers, I won’t find a truth, things won’t get better. The damage has been done, the hurt is there, and the part of my heart that has been destroyed is and will be destroyed.
No more words. Things are empty. No answers.