Numb, and empty. That’s how most of my days are. My life isn’t very exciting. Not going out of the house often, almost everyday is some kind of the same. Day after day. Week after week. Month after month.
After I finally got up, sitting on my chair, computer switched on. Staring at the screen. Reading a bit, looking at things, seeing if my online friends are there and how they are. And what they have planned for the day. Lately though, they are not so often there anymore and I just sit there in emptiness – staring.
After a while I decide I should eat, so I get some breakfast (actually it’s almost lunchtime). But the taste? Like eating air. Things don’t seem to matter much somehow. I just sit, and eat something that tastes like air. That’s all.
So there I am, just sitting and trying to figure out what to do today. Or maybe better said: how to pass the day. Trying to think of things to do. And try to act. All that happens lately, is that time just goes by and I’m sitting there in apathy.
Sometimes I walk down and up the stairs, to get a tea or a coffee or a cappucino.
And again. And again. And again. And again.
There I sit staring at the computer. Watching / letting time passing by. Sometimes reading a bit, seeing a short documentary. Sometimes talking a bit to people online, but lately that doesn’t really happen anymore. Not sure what exactly happened….just feel very disconnected, and I speak less and less with them. Somehow I seem to be the only one with such a pathetic life -spending all day long online just sitting there. Next to that, it seems like the ability to talk or have conversations has gone. I have no idea what to say anymore if I see someone online and somehow that is hard, makes me feel a bit guilty, because–I like them and I kind of consider them as friends (is that weird?) and I definitely wish them all the best and hope that things go well for them and I am happy to see them, but I can’t show that somehow. It is really frustrating. Also, that makes me feel more guilty, bus also hurt somehow and very disconnected. Not sure why.
And well…….that’s how the day goes untill it reaches midnight.
Hello midnight. So yeah…sleeping time? Hm. Washed my bedclothes but no energy to put it on my blankets.
Well whatever. It’s no priority to sleep, right? You can sleep under blankets without
Standing in my room. Looking at my bed and sleeping clothes (don’t even have pajamas, just some kind of tracksuit in which I sleep. But sometimes, even putting them on feels like too much and – another shamefull thing to admit- sometimes, I just do not put them on and lie down in my clothes I wore all day long.
Thousands thoughts. Feeling weird about not putting on my sleeping clothes and having blankets without bedclothes, but I can’t seem to do anything about it. So there I just lie down, in bed.
After a while, I finally fall asleep. Untill I wake up again.
And lately, there is trouble to wake up or get out of bed. After I wake up, I stay in bed for hours sometimes, and sit on my bed and think what to do with the day. It’s empty, just like yesterday. Empty, empty, empty. Don’t even bother to shower, or put on some other clothes.
Finally, the same things as yesterday happens again. Step out of bed, switch on the computer. And there I sit again. Trying to think how to pass this day. How to change.
And how I feel. Sometimes a bit of feeling comes through the being numb.
But I guess even that is empty. But it feels horrible sometimes.Even if it’s empty.
This is just not how life should be. Just not how it should be.