This is where you find yourself: sitting on a trainride with mixed feelings. On the move to a place where you have been invited to some party of someone you rarely know, and normally, avoiding things like that. But because that person – and a (very) few others seem to want so badly you come to that party – you go. These immense feelings of guilt you have about always saying no/turning things down/avoiding things like that, make that you feel you can’t turn it down all the time. After a lot of doubting and chaotic moments that day (still not sure whether to go or not), you decide to go quite late and that causes some tornado rushing through your brain. Making you walk like crazy through your room, very agitated. Trying to get your brain under control and telling youself: “Sometimes it’s good to do something that is not you”. Trying to tell yourself maybe depression is ruïning the way you see things. And maybe it is selfish to avoid things like that constantly. It’s hard to find out on which level you have to/ should do things for others or where you can/should draw a line for yourself. Anyhow, these feelings of guilt seemed to have won from the more comfortable idea of not going at all.
Staring out of the window into endless fields, seeing the dark settling in. Trying to distract your brain with listening to some music, but still agitated in the head. Normally sitting on trains could annoy you because it would take ages sometimes to get somewhere, but this time, you hope so badly it will take a long, long time before you reach. Of course this time, it is going way too fast. When the train reaches the endstation, you walk as slowly as you can towards the exit. There is someone waiting for you on the parking lot.
While driving through the empty streets of this city with a gloomy image because of the rain and dark you sense the other person is all excited. All you can do is give some numb reaction, though you wish it was different. You just can’t. Driving through empty streets where lights for the upcoming holidays already have been installed. However things are dark and sad, the image they give by being places next to the canal that runs through the city is nice.
The next moments are a bit uncomfortable/awkward somehow. Doorbell. Walking stairs. Congratulating and handing over presents. Introducing yourself. Luckily it’s not too crowded since you came early, so there is a ‘reason’ to leave early too. Sitting in a large livingroom you’ve never been before. Noticing the nice view on the canal. Getting a drink. Sitting at a couch. Observing. Trying to feel a bit more relaxed and try to enjoy things a bit, but that seems so hard. Trying to interact a bit with the other people who are there. But that isn’t something that is going very easy.
Slowly more people dropping in. They drink. And drink. And drink. Smoke, talk and talk and dance and dance and seem to have so much fun. Music turns louder, more alcohol, more noises, more people, difficult to decide on what to focus. So just sitting on a couch listening to the music, trying to relax, to interact with people but that is even way harder, trying to ask them questions and show interest, eating cupcakes, eating other stuff, and starting to drink more and more alcohol. And more and more. Feeling more and more seperated in this room full of people, but trying so hard. Drinking alcohol isn’t something I usually do either, but somehow this is a reason to do so and it almost seems to become necessary to survive this night. So I drink, and refill, and refill, and refill. All I want is to be numb, very numb, and not feel so terrible and disconnected and out of everything. I walk a bit around and try to interact but it’s not working out so well so I end up sitting somewhere again.
Suddenly this feeling takes over. The feeling you wanted to avoid so badly tonight and you used so much energy to try to feel good. But it hits like thunder. Feeling outplaced. Surrounded by so many people, and feeling so alone. Observing what they do, what they say and how they behave. All that you want, is crawl away and hide and not be there. All kind of things spinning through your mind.
Suddenly these random things I thought of started – thinking about fireflies. Fireflies underwater in a lake, what of course is not possible. No idea why. But they came into my imagination. I tried to recapture how fireflies move and how peaceful they can look in the dark. Once, many years ago, I saw them on a trip sitting outside my tent at some campsite on a dark, but warm night where they were flying all around.
After having left, and heading for the place where I stayed over for the night, I lay down in bed and couldn’t sleep. It was around 3 am and my head was spinning like crazy. For a moment, it felt like I was losing my life in a certain way. Felt like I was only behaving and doing what other people wanted to see from me, and this is in no way me. A way that others seem to want me to be. That made me feel really lonely for a while. And feelings of loneliness can feel so cruel sometimes. The way of life I dont want to have and not want to become like – go out every week, drink a lot, get drunk, use drugs, make “fun”, flirting, and end up sometimes with violence or fights and other things…..If that is the way you are supposed to act, supposed to behave or be……it made me feel so sad for a while. Also conversations and focus on things like dating, on how your body looks like, “beauty” , sexual things, its all sooo not me. I feel like such an outsider sometimes I don’t seem to care about these things. Somehow, I care so less about someone’s religion, sex, color, height, weight, type of clothes, all those “outside stuff things”. Somehow I don’t see a person as a male or female, as a yellow or white or black person, as a believer or non believer, as someone who is straight or homosexual or something else…. I think I see them just as a person, the soul, the inside, is for me so much more important…to me. Somehow I probably judge sometimes too but I try to be as openminded as I can. But somehow, everything I was surrounded by this time, was so much focussed on all those things I don’t (and don’t want to) focus on.
Talks about boyfriends, girlfriends, sex, boobs, looking fancy, clothes, beauty……I suddenly felt so sick. Even my friend, who I tried to explain a thousand times before I am not into dating and do not feel anything to hunt for boys or a date or sex or whatever doesn’t seem to hear that or understand. Keeps going about it. And that makes me so tired. So so tired. I just don’t respond to it anymore and just listen. There is nothing in me that wants to go out and find a man and date and all that stuff involved in that. Honestly, I do not even know if I can fall in love. If I am made for relationships. I don’t know. I never felt any physical attraction towards anyone, (that is a pretty weird confession to make since I didn’t tell that too often). When I did, i get these questions like ,”Oh, do you like girls (eh, no, I don’t think so), or “Oh, do you prefer to be a man maybe?” (Eh, also no). So I never really talked about it anymore since it seems to be a bit weird somehow. But no, I just do not feel that at all – not a desire to do such things. That kind of stuff makes me confused. So many times I thought about it – is there something wrong with me? Can I even love? Maybe I don’t, maybe I lack in things like empathy, understanding, being able to interact, love….though I think I can love someone else, but maybe that is a different type of love. I don’t know. I can feel a strong connection, but that connection is always to the soul. And yeah, maybe I feel sometimes like holding someone (that is something I like never do), but that means just holding and not involving more physicial things like certain people seem to make of things like that. Is that weird? Is that wrong? Is that love? What is it?
For now, I will stop writing, because it feels like I have written some kind of trilogy and things do not come out logical anymore.