Sometimes, there are these moments certain things suddenly come out of the depths of my brain. Or from the heart. It’s kind of like walking through a dark cave in a forgotten part of a lonely world, and suddenly, thousands of bats starting to fly towards a new destination. Without warning. Memories. Feelings. More memories. Recapturing things. Overthinking things. More bats. Flying. It’s all over. Everywhere. Dark. Noise. Dark. Pain. No way to escape, the storm comes all over you with full power and full speed. No place to run, no place to hide. It comes. It just happens. You can not avoid it.
Some of the memories are pieces of the past, and in the moment of validation never realizing they were – or would be- so important – after all. Some things you only seem to realize when they are gone. Gone, gone. I’m not sure if that is a good or a bad thing. Probably both. Some things, or persons, played an important role in the past but do not seem to be part of the future anymore.
A few of those, I really regret and I guess they are like that dark cave – no end to be found, dark, lost, and there doesn’t seem to be an end, nor is there a map, nor an instruction book how to act/react.You just never know.
Sometimes, I don’t know how to feel about. Sometimes I do not want to have these memories, sometimes I crave to get them back in reality. But with some things, that is not going to happen, and you know that deep inside your heart. It’s just not going to happen. Sometimes, with things happening now, it feels like some kind of repetition from the past. And you feel like you want to avoid them or change the future goal, but you can not. You just can not.
A cold wind runs through the cave. The bats seem to have vanished in the darkness, but they do not seem to be around in the cave anymore. There must be a place to leave this cave. Slowly you are trying to walk, following the wind, because there must be an opening in this dark world. Touching the space around you, all cold and wet stones, carefully scanning the area as far as you can see, but all you have are your own senses in a total dark place. Your eyes mean nothing in this world. Stepping over slippery rocks underneath your feet. Carefull. But trapped. It feels like being trapped. Hope slowly fades away into despair. There is no end. It’s almost like not daring to breathe. Sounds echoing into corners that are corners you can never reach. How did I even end up in this cave? Thoughts spinning like crazy. A non-existing place, n o n – e x i s t i n g, so how could it even possibly trap you?