Lately / for a while now, it seems like i’m kind of losing touch with things, life, people, myself.. I feel very detached towards/from life, from/towards the world, from/towards people around me. Everything seems to lose its meaning, its purpose. So far if there even was any. Sometimes it feels very lonely, sometimes it seems necessary. Sometimes it hurts and makes me feel guilty, sometimes things are just numb and I don’t know how or what to feel. A bit contradictory. Or maybe even a lot.
Not much seems to matter anymore really. Even friendships fade away.
Somehow being / hanging around with friends seem to become uncomfortable, meaningless or/and without reason. But I don’t blame anyone. It’s not that it is someone’s fault. It’s just something that happens. I feel so guilty about it sometimes that I am such a bad friend and such a useless one, if I even can call myself a friend , because I am not too sure about it. I guess people are better of without me, and i’m of no use in real life anyway. I’m invisible. My online life, is invisible too. If I would dissapear, it wouldn’t matter at all. Sometimes that frustrates me, sometimes that feels safe and right how it should be. I don’t know why it does affect me sometimes and why it gets me from time to time. As a person, just one single person,
you I , mean nothing to the world. That has good things, and bad things. But, what if you don’t mean anything at all? Is meaning anything necessary to live? to be able to create and feel validated in life yourself? Could you live without that feeling? or fact, or whatever? (And yes, I am really interested in answers)
Also, this seems to happen quite fast without good reasons, but even with small things, I’m feeling drained. And not a little drained, but a lot drained. Some time ago I had these goals on my mind. Having my own place to live. Now? I don’t care anything about it anymore, it’s not going to happen anyway. Even not on the age I am now, most people live on their own or together with someone for a while, and here I am, still in the land of nothing. I don’t know, somehow that should be easy right, graduate, find a job, find a place to live. Even people without jobs can find a place to live. Why does it seem that it’s impossible for me? Thinking about it even frustrates me. I just can not think about it anymore. Its not going to work out anyway and its too hard to find out. I do not deserve a place to live. Often I even feel I do not deserve a right to live. Even talking about it is draining. Sometimes people say it’s actually not that bad and don’t understand how you can not have an income or benefits or can not understand how you can be able to find a job or get a job and get your own place to live. And I am getting so so tired of it all.
I can not even explain it anymore. It’s done. I don’t have any energy to left to explain. Because if you do explain, you will be attacked and you have to fight or defend things, and I do not have energy to fight or defend.
Probably everything I write doesn’t make sense again, but lately I have so much trouble to get out what’s inside and what i want to say.I don’t even understand why I write this. It’s not getting anywhere.
A drained, detached soul,
An empty heart, reversed goals,
invisible, the bottom of a dried well
invisible life, captured by a spell.