Unfortunately, this is a re-write. Somehow I did something wrong and I lost the original writing. This is in no way as good as the first one was and it really did upset me that I lost everything I wrote because it was way more better written. But I’m afraid there is no way of getting the original writing back. I guess all I can do is share this re-write.
It’s kind of weird to think of certain things- today, four years ago, how my life almost ended. And how things changed somehow. Or how they actually did not change at all.
After all those years this is the first time I have these kind of flashback moments and my thoughts go back to it so deeply and real. Trying to recapture memories and feelings. Four years is a long time, or short, depending on how you look on things I guess. A lot of seconds, minutes , days have passed by since then. Certain pieces seem to be on my mind as if they only happened yesterday.
Though I have learned things of it all. How things can get in a different perspective. How the body seems to change its operating system in certain circumstances. How the mind can changes the way it works usually. How things change and yet not change at all. Anyway physical pain and pain of the soul, are completely different types of pain.I do not think you even should compare those. How quickly a body can be ruïned. How small things, sometimes not even an inch long, can be so deadly and destroying. How weak you can get and your mind goes in another world and the real one is just some vague movie playing on a television far away.
As far as the physical pain, before all of this happened, I couldn’t imagine things could hurt so badly. It was the most intense and cruel physical pain I have ever felt. A very violent pain, stabs without warning, making you want to shrink untill being invisible and being afraid to breathe. When I think of it now I still get goosebumps. Those violent stabs, tattooed in my brain forever. Tattooed in my heart forever. Somehow I can still remember how it felt. Although I have a high pain tolerance, I could not not scream of the pain. Some moments are harder to recapture- like when I slowly tried to walk again, and not even walked a mile, my body was so broken I had to pay a price and recover two full days of that action. Nowadays, it is hard to imagine it was like that. And so there is more.
Somehow the more I think of it, the more I can match it in metaphorical ways to certain aspects of my life back in the day but maybe even my current life as well (if you can even call that a life). How small things race like crazy through the mind and they are all connected but not connected yet. Like shooting with a gun with gunpowder without bullets – all messed up lost pieces that go in every direction. Surviving. Dying. Losing life. Slipping away. Breathing. Oxygen. Essential resporation organs. Inflammations. Bacteria. Damage. Protection of the heart fails. Missed by doctors // Surviving. Life. Death. No right to exist. Loneliness. Emptiness. Abandonment. You can not go on with this life. You can not go on living like this. Lost all directions. No space. You can not be you. Invisible.You can not go on with life like this [ and…… w h a t e v e r ]
Reflecting back on everything. I’m still left with questions. Questions without answers. Left with damage. Less trust. Less hope. And so on. Maybe the mental impact everything had was more than I want or can admit. I am not sure about that. Not that my life was so great before all of that. But it striked just on a certain point I was fighting a way to break down a depression and heading for a new life. And then it struck me. Hard. Not only that. Of course other things happen at the same time. What I learned there was that no matter what , you are always alone. You can never expect some one to be there for you when you are on the lowest points in your life. You just can not. That seems to be tattooed in my brain.
Anyway, the weirdest thing of all maybe is that after all what happened, I might have expected somehow I would appreciate life a bit more.Somehow that would be more logical after all what happened. Move forward. Enjoy life more. Yolo, right?
But none of that ever happened.